When I was in 10th grade my student council group of all the leaders of my class went on a roller skating party. My friends dared me to wear no long shorts and no boxers. I did this unfortunatley. While we were skating my friends decided to pull the meanest prank. They pulled my pants down and my shorts fell down to my ankles. My shorts around my ankles caused me to trip and fall. I fell and nocked a really cute girl down. We were both laying on the ground i was naked and my "dollar fifty" was literally right on her face. She started to scream and i became so embarassed. Wrd spreads quickly in my school and soon everyone knew what happened and i was never able to go a day of school without being made fun of.

hUh

I am a 19 yr. old male and frequently skinny dip at night in my pool outback. One night my parents were away for the weekend and after a long day and party night I grabbed a couple of beers, shed my clothes and headed outside to the pool. I slipped into the pool for a swim, lay on the deck under the midnight sky and had a couple of the beers. I decided to lay on the raft under the moonlight and relax as I floated naked in the pool… The next thing I know I am being woken at about 8:00 a.m. by the birds chirping, the sun in my eyes and greeted by the stares of the neighbour’s 17 yr. old daughter at poolside as she was leaving for work the next day!! I had fallen asleep under the stars and slept through the night floating on the raft! When I awoke I was stark naked floating in the middle of the pool with a huge morning hard on sticking straight up.


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Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?

A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?

A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?

A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?

A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?

A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?

A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?

A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?

A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?

A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?

A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?

A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?

A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?

A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?

A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?

A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?

A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?

A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.

A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?

A. He's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?

A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?

A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...A. "Is it in?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?

A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?

A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?

A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?

A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?

A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?

A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

jOb TrAiNiNg

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons,
where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy.
Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,” Wow, he's a lucky one.
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...A-bomb.”
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty
but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected
only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two
would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The
nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's
pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night
was her nagging voice saying, “You’re not sanitary, and you’re not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast
as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back
in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I
heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your
three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher’s husband would be
calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only
his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and
legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a
fight?"
The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry
a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We
are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

ChocLate

a man was in an ice cream parlor waiting to buy some ice cream. there was one lady in front of him. she ordered a chocolate cone. the soda-jerk told her he's sorry but they have run out of chocolate. she said, "ok, then i'll have some chocolate." he told her, "lady, i'm out of chocolate." once again she said, "ok, i'll just have some chocolate."exasperated, he said, "lady, spell van as in vanilla." she spelled van. he said, "good, now spell straw as in strawberry." she spelled straw. he said, "good, now spell f*** as in chocolate." the lady said, "there is no f*** in chocolate." he replied, "that's what i'm trying to tell you."

A SnAkE

A little boy goes up to his mom and says "mommy can take a shower with you?" The mom says no, so the boys goes "please it's my birthday" "Ok" says the mom "just don't look up or down" "Ok I promise" says the boy. But as soon as they're in the shower the boy looks up and says "mommy what are those?" so the mom says "those are my headlights" "oh" says the boy. Then he looks down and says "mommy what is that?" so she says "that's my bush" "oh" said the boy. So later the boy goes up to his dad and says "daddy can take a shower with you?" and the dad says "no". "Please it's my birthday" "ok" said the dad "just don't look down" "ok I promise" said the boy. But as soon as they're in the shower the boy looks down and says "daddy what's that?" so the dad says "that's my snake" "oh" said the boy.So later that night the boy says "mommy, daddy can I get in bed with you I had a bad dream" "no" say his parents. "Please it's my birthday" "Ok" said his parents "just don't look under the covers" "ok I promise" said the boy.But as soon as he's in the bed he looks under the covers and screams "mom turn your head lights there's a snake in your bush!