Dealing with a juggler

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was

stopped by the police. "What are those

knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

Here are some reasons why it’s better to be female...

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

We don’t have to get our strength up between sessions...and it’s much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.

We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty oldperverts.

Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......

Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

Taxis stop for us.

We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Revenge Is Sweet

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Hii

Trouble sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Change your course now

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Food one-liners

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."I thought you were trying to get into shape?I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.

When I was in 10th grade my student council group of all the leaders of my class went on a roller skating party. My friends dared me to wear no long shorts and no boxers. I did this unfortunatley. While we were skating my friends decided to pull the meanest prank. They pulled my pants down and my shorts fell down to my ankles. My shorts around my ankles caused me to trip and fall. I fell and nocked a really cute girl down. We were both laying on the ground i was naked and my "dollar fifty" was literally right on her face. She started to scream and i became so embarassed. Wrd spreads quickly in my school and soon everyone knew what happened and i was never able to go a day of school without being made fun of.

hUh

I am a 19 yr. old male and frequently skinny dip at night in my pool outback. One night my parents were away for the weekend and after a long day and party night I grabbed a couple of beers, shed my clothes and headed outside to the pool. I slipped into the pool for a swim, lay on the deck under the midnight sky and had a couple of the beers. I decided to lay on the raft under the moonlight and relax as I floated naked in the pool… The next thing I know I am being woken at about 8:00 a.m. by the birds chirping, the sun in my eyes and greeted by the stares of the neighbour’s 17 yr. old daughter at poolside as she was leaving for work the next day!! I had fallen asleep under the stars and slept through the night floating on the raft! When I awoke I was stark naked floating in the middle of the pool with a huge morning hard on sticking straight up.


Click here to email this Embarrassing Story to your friends!

pics of mine

do'nt READ

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?

A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?

A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?

A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?

A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?

A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?

A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?

A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?

A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?

A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?

A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?

A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?

A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?

A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?

A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?

A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?

A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?

A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.

A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?

A. He's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?

A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?

A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...A. "Is it in?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?

A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?

A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?

A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?

A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?

A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?

A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

jOb TrAiNiNg

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons,
where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy.
Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,” Wow, he's a lucky one.
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...A-bomb.”
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty
but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected
only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two
would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The
nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's
pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night
was her nagging voice saying, “You’re not sanitary, and you’re not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast
as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back
in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I
heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your
three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher’s husband would be
calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only
his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and
legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a
fight?"
The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry
a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We
are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

ChocLate

a man was in an ice cream parlor waiting to buy some ice cream. there was one lady in front of him. she ordered a chocolate cone. the soda-jerk told her he's sorry but they have run out of chocolate. she said, "ok, then i'll have some chocolate." he told her, "lady, i'm out of chocolate." once again she said, "ok, i'll just have some chocolate."exasperated, he said, "lady, spell van as in vanilla." she spelled van. he said, "good, now spell straw as in strawberry." she spelled straw. he said, "good, now spell f*** as in chocolate." the lady said, "there is no f*** in chocolate." he replied, "that's what i'm trying to tell you."

A SnAkE

A little boy goes up to his mom and says "mommy can take a shower with you?" The mom says no, so the boys goes "please it's my birthday" "Ok" says the mom "just don't look up or down" "Ok I promise" says the boy. But as soon as they're in the shower the boy looks up and says "mommy what are those?" so the mom says "those are my headlights" "oh" says the boy. Then he looks down and says "mommy what is that?" so she says "that's my bush" "oh" said the boy. So later the boy goes up to his dad and says "daddy can take a shower with you?" and the dad says "no". "Please it's my birthday" "ok" said the dad "just don't look down" "ok I promise" said the boy. But as soon as they're in the shower the boy looks down and says "daddy what's that?" so the dad says "that's my snake" "oh" said the boy.So later that night the boy says "mommy, daddy can I get in bed with you I had a bad dream" "no" say his parents. "Please it's my birthday" "Ok" said his parents "just don't look under the covers" "ok I promise" said the boy.But as soon as he's in the bed he looks under the covers and screams "mom turn your head lights there's a snake in your bush!

Sex With Tarazan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?""Tarzan check for bees!"

Blonde

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.

little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"


To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Black Powder

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan."What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager."I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach.""I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off.""Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder.""Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?""Give me a peach and I'll show you."

Wht is Love?
Slow down for three minutes to read this.

It is so worth it.Touching words from the mouth of babes.

What does Love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds,

"What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.

That's love."Rebecca- age 8"

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."Billy - age 4"

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."Karl - age 5"

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."Chrissy - age 6"

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."Terri - age 4"

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."Danny - age 7"

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"Emily - age 8"

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)"

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"Nikka - age 6(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)"

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."Noelle - age 7"

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."Tommy - age 6"

During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."Cindy - age 8"

My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."Clare - age 6"

Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."Elaine-age 5"

Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."Chris - age 7"

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."Mary Ann - age 4"

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."Lauren - age 4"

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)Karen - age 7"

Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."Mark - age 6"

You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."Jessica - age 8"